After an amazing wedding in Seattle this weekend, we (Sila and I) were robbed. The police say that we were being followed or targeted from the time we arrived at the hotel. We lost all of our equipment, not to mention a large portion of the pictures from the wedding. I've been determined to stay positive and not give into the overwhelming feeling of discouragement hanging overhead, but tonight it finally caught up to me.
Nick has been so sick since I got home. The sickest he's been in 7 years of marriage. He needed me, my kids needed me, the house needed me, the yard and garbage cans need me, the police needed me, the insurance companies needed me, and my business needed me....and all this before 11 a.m. Top priority. By the time I got my husband and the kids situated for the night, I was already feeling like a zombie. I picked up one of the 100 pieces of popcorn on the living room floor and started to cry. The weight felt so heavy on my shoulders in that moment, I was physically forced to my knees in prayer, and the flood gates opened up.
I want you all to know I'm not crying because I believe this shouldn't have happen to me, or that I'm giving up. I have actually decided it is abnormal for me not to have cried yet. If any of you have ever been heart broken, then you know how I'm feeling. You know you need to get over it, that there is nothing you can do about it anymore and you need to move on with your life. There is no going back, so you should just "get over it", but no matter how much you want to will yourself over "it", "it" inevitably takes time. You have lost something and your life doesn't make sense to you for a bit.
Amidst all the crying, I feel incredibly blessed. I know that THIS is my path. THIS...is something that I need to learn and grow from. THIS is all in the pursuit of a joyful life and my dreams. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: fear of failure (The Alchemist.) I believe that all things, both good and bad are here to give us experience, teach us about ourselves and help us along our journeys. I don't believe in failure. Not for me, not for anyone. I could spend my time feeling sorry for myself. I could ask myself: Why this had to happen to me, or I can use my energy to start over, find solutions and realize there is something to be learned. I choose the latter. It's always a choice. Your life is in your control. If there is something about it that you don't like. Choose to change it.
This experience has been a test for me. A test I feel I have passed. I frequently tell people that there is nothing to be afraid of, especially when in pursuit of dreams. The worst thing I can think of is letting fear stop you from trying. Yes, bad things can happen. Yes, it can be a challenge. Yes, it can make you cry. Does it make me want to stop living my dream, or wish I hadn't tried in the first place. NO!! God doesn't promise to keep bad things from happening to us, but He does promise that if we rely on Him, He will make these burdens light, or He will strengthen us to carry them.
I wanted to write about how positive I feel, how I know good things are coming, how strong I am in the middle of this. I didn't want to admit I was hurt, and that it has been a painful, difficult few days for me. I didn't want to cry over this. I realize now that I can cry and still be strong.
I wanted to thank Sila for being there the whole time. I know it wasn't easy for you Thank you for helping me find my strength and recognize how lucky we really were. I also wanted to tell Rose, how much I love her and I that I will find a way to make this better. Sepa, the thought of you, gave me the first glimmer of hope! Last but not least, I wanted to thank my Dad for wanting to fly to Seattle for no good reason at all. Heavenly Father won't always stop bad things from happening to us, but he can make sure your Dad is hanging around when it does.