I sit here alone in the dark of my office.... as my whole world sleeps quietly. My kids are dreaming heavy....while this damn cursor blinks at me. I wonder if I'm standing on the edge of "inappropriate openness"...You know...the one that causes people in a fragile state of mind to over share the personal dramas of their lives.
I don't feel like writing much anymore. It used to flow from me so easily, and naturally. It was fun, and so I did it......because frankly...when do I do anything I don't want to do?
It's been so long since I have had something to say. Until 11:56am this morning, I had nothing worth saying. But tonight...I can't stand to speak these words to a single soul.... but I want them out of me.
I want to roar and scream until I'm empty.... maybe if I'm empty....this feeling threatening to drown me will disappear or just get on with it. I know it won't. It won't. It won't. It won't.
The thing about a broken heart is...it still beats. I promise. I can feel it pounding in my ears like an 808 drum... right this very second. Even when I catch myself unconsciously holding my breath...it's her unrelenting pounding that forces me to take one more. But, not my baby.....my baby's heart is still....it's not beating anymore. I saw with my own eyes...on a black and gray screen....but there was nothing to be heard. Not a sound.
Expecting a routine check up.....I didn't even bother to have Nick come with me. I sent him off with the baby and they were gone.
You know.....I always imagined that if I ever lost a child... I'd know it. That God would warn me and prepare my heart for such a painful blow. How could a mother not feel part of her own life leaving this world? Impossible. I wish I could say....I knew. I didn't.
I sit here alone in the dark...with my silent baby, in my ignorant body. Silly body.....she still thinks she's having a baby. My heart could tell her better.
My kind doctor kept saying "I'm so sorry." And I kept saying..I'm sorry. What the hell am I saying sorry to her for? I even made some off hand remark...like "these things happen." I should have just said... "everything happens for a reason."
The awkwardness of walking out of the examination room....into the sea of pregnant mommies and new borns, in the lobby was too much for me to take. They should create a back door exit for those sorry cases, like mine....who walk in ignorant and walk out inconsolable. I couldn't manage to put on a brave face and make eye contact with anyone. I tried....really hard, but I gave up when I realized I was trying to make a bunch of strangers feel less uncomfortable.
Nick was en route when I made my desperate exit from the office. I called him to see how far my rescue was. I couldn't get anything to come out of my mouth but a choking noise. How can I tell him on the phone? How do you say...our baby has died....to anyone? EVER.
We cried. We talked about our new lives without this baby. We said adios to those dreams. That life is gone now. We tried to find some good in this experience. We researched the operation my doctor mentioned I might need. We ate. We laughed. In my world...I'm so glad that even in darkness there is always laughter. We picked up the kids from school and said goodbye to our little angel.
Goodbye my baby.
I'll never get to kiss or hold you. I'll never get to say..."you sir, have your daddy's eyes."....because of course he would have had his daddy's eyes. I know that one day this hurt will heal and my heart will come back together. For now....I think I'm just going to go to sleep.
I love my husband
I love my kids
I need to accept the present
I have to create a new future
God loves me.
I'll go to sleep
and then I'll
everything will be okay.