November 18, 2011

Heartbeats, Heartbreaks,a New Future and a Goodbye

I sit here alone in the dark of my office.... as my whole world sleeps quietly.  My kids are dreaming heavy....while this damn cursor blinks at me.  I wonder if I'm standing on the edge of "inappropriate openness"...You know...the one that causes people in a fragile state of mind to over share the personal dramas of their lives.

Maybe.

I don't feel like writing much anymore.  It used to flow from me so easily, and naturally. It was fun, and so I did it......because frankly...when do I do anything I don't want to do?

Never.

It's been so long since I have had something to say.  Until 11:56am this morning, I had nothing worth saying.  But tonight...I can't stand to speak these words to a single soul.... but I want them out of me.

Right now.

I want to roar and scream until I'm empty.... maybe if I'm empty....this feeling threatening to drown me will disappear or just get on with it.  I know it won't.  It  won't.  It won't.  It won't.

Nope.

The thing about a broken heart is...it still beats.  I promise.  I can feel it pounding in my ears like an 808 drum... right this very second.  Even when I catch myself unconsciously holding my breath...it's her unrelenting pounding that forces me to take one more.  But, not my baby.....my baby's heart is still....it's not beating anymore.  I saw with my own eyes...on a black and gray screen....but there was nothing to be heard.  Not a sound.

Silent.

Expecting a routine check up.....I didn't even bother to have Nick come with me.  I sent him off with the baby and they were gone.
How foolish.

You know.....I always imagined that if I ever lost a child... I'd know it.  That God would warn me and prepare my heart for such a painful blow.  How could a mother not feel part of her own life leaving this world?  Impossible.  I wish I could say....I knew.  I didn't.  

I'm ashamed.

I sit here alone in the dark...with my silent baby, in my ignorant body.  Silly body.....she still thinks she's having a baby.  My heart could tell her better.  

Stupid body.

My kind doctor kept saying "I'm so sorry."  And I kept saying..I'm sorry.  What the hell am I saying sorry to her for?  I even made some off hand remark...like "these things happen."  I should have just said... "everything happens for a reason." 

Bad cliches.

The awkwardness of walking out of the examination room....into the sea of pregnant mommies and new borns, in the lobby was too much for me to take.  They should create a back door exit for those sorry cases, like mine....who walk in ignorant and walk out inconsolable.  I couldn't manage to put on a brave face and make eye contact with anyone.  I tried....really hard, but I gave up when I realized I was trying to make a bunch of strangers feel less uncomfortable.

WHO CARES?

Nick was en route when I made my desperate exit from the office.  I called him to see how far my rescue was.  I couldn't get anything to come out of my mouth but a choking noise.  How can I tell him on the phone?  How do you say...our baby has died....to anyone? EVER.

EVER.

We cried.  We talked about our new lives without this baby.  We said adios to those dreams.  That life is gone now.  We tried to find some good in this experience.  We researched the operation my doctor mentioned I might need.  We ate.  We laughed.  In my world...I'm so glad that even in darkness there is always laughter.  We picked up the kids from school and said goodbye to our little angel.  

Goodbye my baby.

 I'll never get to kiss or hold you.  I'll never get to say..."you sir, have your daddy's eyes."....because of course he would have had his daddy's eyes.  I know that one day this hurt will heal and my heart will come back together.  For now....I think I'm just going to go to sleep.

I love my husband
I love my kids
I need to accept the present
I have to create a new future
God loves me.


I'll go to sleep
and forget
and then I'll
wake up
and 
remember....
and someday
everything will be okay.



GOODNIGHT.














23 comments:

Myrn Photography said...

May the Lord bless you and your family in your time of need, Omi. You are a wonderful person.

F-A-N-G-U-P-O said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried as I read your post...it brought back so many memories of when I found out my daughter's heart stopped beating. So painful. Not fair. I didn't understand why for the longest time....I still don't. I found solace in my husband and the gospel.....you will too! Give it time! My prayers r with you! Now you have a guardian angel who will be with you forever! Love you Omi & Nick

laurie said...

It's a pain way too many of us have had to endure. My SIL recently lost her baby. Her blog is a beautiful sentiment of what she went through if you are in need of some empathy. Hugs to you and your family.

http://treasurethesemoments.blogspot.com/2011/09/angel-baby.html

Mena said...

Omi, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in knowing that there are many people out there who wish you well, who love you, and pray for you and your family. I'm one of those people. Hang in there! Call me if you need to talk.

Love,
Mena

Alicia said...

Naomi, you are so loved. You continue to be an inspiration even in the darkest times of life. There are no words I can offer that will console, but please know that you are in my heart and prayers. Thank you for sharing this part of your soul, you are such a beautiful person.

The Sweet Escape said...

Omi, I'm so sorry. I love you. Dearly. You and your family will be in my prayers. Please let me know if you need anything at all. Many ofas to you and your family.

Kristy said...

I am so heartbroken for your loss. Your words brought tears to my eyes. We LOVE you guys and you will be in our prayers.

Puanani Tagoai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Willy Happy Mama said...

Omi, you are a brave, wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing so touchingly your personal sorrow. I know words can offer little comfort to you right now. Please know that you are loved. You are strong and I pray that peace, comfort and understanding will come in the days ahead. You are not alone. You are loved.

Puanani Tagoai said...

Omi, you and Nick will be on my mind all day! My prayers and love are with you both. How special and choice your baby's spirit must've been that Heavenly Father needed it back right away! I know how difficult it is to see the silver lining sometimes. Trust in our all knowing Father in Heaven. I pray he heals your broken hearts. I love you!!

Raquel said...

So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You are in my thoughts and prayers. <3

Taloa's :) said...

So so sorry for your loss Omi. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please give our love to Nikki and the kids. Let us know if there is anything you need. Families are Forever!!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. I ask our Lord to comfort you and Nick during this difficult time.
Michelle Crespo

Nichols Family said...

Sending you lots of love. And why not throw some Aloha in there too. Is it OK for a haole to be sending aloha? Seriously though, you are so loved by everyone whose paths you've crossed. Our hearts ache with you.

tema hola said...

sorry to hear about that omi... lucky ur blessed with a family to help u thru it... muchlove

ANNA BANANA said...

You're such a great writer. Everything you wrote, I could totally feel you, and I imagined it in my head from your description. I have felt the pain of a miscarriage too. I don't think anyone could fully understand unless you've gone thru it. Just know you're not alone, and that in time, even if it's beyond the veil...you. will. heal. Much love to you and your family during this trying time.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

I love you so much. I am so sorry. I totally know what you mean about feeling ashamed that you didn't know. I just lost a baby again. I was 20 weeks but the baby only measured 16 and he had been gone a few weeks at least. How could I not know? How could I not feel a difference? I am thinking of you and praying for you. Come read my blog if you want. afewtacosshy.blogspot.com
-Alta

sanaejames photography said...

OMi...I cried as I read your post. You and your sweet family will be in our prayers. May you be comforted in this time of need. Sending our luvs from South Carolina.

AtaAta said...

Omi we are so sorry for your loss. There are no words to console the heart of a broken mother. Know that your family is in our prayers.

kanaboke said...

:(

there are no words adequate enough to express how much this made my heart hurt for you and your family. you're in all of our prayers ~ may you feel the arms of a loving heavenly father enfold you as you grieve...

3+Love~aki=Us said...

Losing a child is the deepest and most difficult pain I've felt in my life--it's been over four years and it still hurts. I cried reading your sincere, touching, and heartbreaking account of your loss. Some of those feelings I can relate to--I'm sorry to be talking about myself. I am not ignorant to your pain is all I mean to say. Overall I just wanted you to know that I ache for you. I will pray for you to be able to get up and function, to feel comfort and love. You are a beautiful woman. You have a gift for capturing life, I've felt so many beautiful things from your work. Thank you for sharing it willingly.

Ralph Misa said...

So sorry for your loss Omi. May the guide through this time. We enjoy your work and you have influenced so many. This is a tearful post. Much love and blessings for you and the family.

Olivia said...

I was in your exact shoes 4 years ago....No thought that something like this would happen...routine check...actual first dr. check....this would have been our 5th...standard....no need for Todd....been there done that....dr. says the machine isn't working properly...let me have you go to the next room....the real ultrasound...i can see the screen...no heartbeat...she turns off the monitor...and says sorry....ALONE...i felt so ALONE....

My heart aches for you....and your sweet husband....everything will be okay...and your right...someday.

love you...

olivia