April 27, 2012

Light in the Darkness....

At times in my life, some very recent.... I have felt like I was locked outside in the rain.  Feeling every cold, and uncomfortable moment drag on and on.  Often questioning which one of my decisions/slash/ choices/slash/ actions led me to this door.....wondering if I'd ever see the sun again.

I realize that these storms are just "life" happening to me as it does to all....good, bad, young, old, rich, poor,.... but, I'll admit... sometimes it can feel like I've done something specific, albeit unknown to deserve the downpour,..... or worse that God is playing a game of spin the bottle with my life.  Believing "life" to be so random is as unnerving as it is untrue.  I cannot say that our choices do not play into our consequences, but all bad is not punishment as all good is not reward....that would be too easy.

I'm no math wiz, but I've always had the notion that life's consequence equation should look like this: 

good + Good (should) = GOOD∞
 forever and always

When in reality, I'm starting to understand the formula more like this:

good + GOOD = good/BAD(squared)
(not Michael Jackson Bad, but the "difficult, hard, opposite of what you want" kind of bad.)

And if I'm being totally honest, I have no doubt that the better a person is to become, the more good that one is to do, the more difficult their path will be....... not the easier.  

Hard to swallow, right?

I only have the guts to say this tonight....because I'm mostly healed from our recent heartaches.


I'm safe inside..... watching a hurricane.  A storm, so much more powerful than any I have ever had to weather.  I'm watching "life" happen to another,--- a family I love, a mother who's heart is no stronger than my own.....and no longer whole, I'm sure.

There are no words to speak the sorrows of losing a child, nor are there any keys that will sooner open the door of peace promised in the future.  Not one of us who have loved the baby in their arms can bear the thought of saying goodbye one day sooner than never.  

When I said that Jenny is the kind of mom that I wish I was, know I'm not, but hope to one day become, I meant it.  She is the kind of women that deserves the sun to shine on her, ever and always.  

The promise to the good...is not that the burdens of this world will fail to fall on their shoulders, but that their backs will be strengthened to carry them...even until the weight cannot be felt.  It's God's way to support us through our trials, not exclude us from them.  We will become someone else...someone we weren't before the day of our pain, but that someone is kinder, more compassionate, full of charity and humility. More like our Savior, Jesus Christ in every way.  

The sun still shines when we cannot see it.  Sometimes it will warm us only moments in a day, or shine on us long and steady only to surprises us with it's absence.  The light of hope is that it will someday return....always return, and that it still exists in our darkest hour....no matter how dark.  

"He is the light and life of the world; yea, 
a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; 
yea and also a life which is endless, 
that there can be no more death." 
Mosiah 16:9

I love you Jenny, Shane and your beautiful family.  
Harry is a miracle...an angel, but we always knew that.....    

April 21, 2012

Landon Anderson = EVERYWHERE

When I was shooting for Dance Teacher's April Cover, I spent two days watching and working with a handful of AMAZING dancers.  Magazines will usually give me a pretty specific idea of what they are looking for and then we get to work trying to make sure what I produce is in line with the Mags artistic directon.  Sometimes there is a person from the magazine with me and sometimes it's just me and my totally awesome assistants.  It's harder and funner than most of my jobs, because the challenge and expectations are both high, and not all my own.  And to be honest...98% of the time I'm positive I'm totally bombing.  REGARDLESS...It's fun to collaborate with others.  It's what I love most about photography.  
Because this was an article about BALLROOM dancing...and how it can be incorporated into ANY studio, we shot A LOT of ballroom dancing.  Which, I have NO PROBLEM doing.  I totally love it.  It's electric, sexy, and did I mention mesmerizing?  (In fact, OMI of parallel universe would only ballroom dance. EVER.) I literally watch these young boys and girls transform.  It's nothing short of magic.  
At the end of the two day project, we had finished up all the mandatory work and just needed to pack up and go.  This is easier said than done, because it does takes some effort to get the studio broken down.  So when we are all set up....If I see an opportunity to shoot for myself...YOU BET I take it.  
In walks Landon:  I was curiouse to see what "else" he could do....which I already knew was going to be great deal more than just ballroom.  
Poor guy....didn't know when I say "okay..ONE MORE and we're done"...we are just getting warmed up.  So sorry.  I really don't mean to be such a big, fat liar.  I'll post a few more of my favorites from this after shoot party later.   Peace.

April 9, 2012

Fortunate! Abrea Delgrosso

Thank YOU Abrea.

Sometimes I am amazed by what my models can give to me.  After I get them warmed up, we literally can just sit and watch magic unfold.  I can see when they're in the moment and it's captivating.  It's an incredible experience.  I am fortunate to collaborate with such amazing individuals, who are as committed and passionate about their work as I am.  

April 6, 2012

Why I will never be famous (HOPEFULLY)

So I was almost asleep.  This is of course after laying in bed for hours checking the local news, reading the comments, checking the national headlines, gawking at Beyonce's "STUNNING no make up body.".....(did I just say body, I meant face.)  and mostly....thinking about how I love my blog, but I just don't show it.

This may seem absurd to you, but it's a nightly ritual for me.  Everything but the Beyonce part.  Obviously.  That picture was only posted 11 hours ago.  It's usually Jennifer Lopez.

I have no explanation as to how my brain works, but one thought led to another...and badaboom, baddabang.....I'm up at 2am with the strong desire to confess the two reasons I never want to be famous.  Clearly the first being that I don't have Beyonce's flawless-post-baby-face.......and by face.....I DO mean body.   Naturally...you may have already guessed reason number two: I have the awkward-EST "cringeworthy"middle school photo(s) (plural) out there floating around.  The photos, are factual, irrifutable scientific evidence of what a werido kid I was....and that is the actual topic I'm trying to avoid.

The motivation for my blogging tonight isn't to defend my reasoning, BUT to admit how laughable the idea is.  Knowing that these photos will never be leaked to TMZ and that they will sink rightfully into yearbook oblivion, IS a great comfort to me..... but really...who cares??

{I'll confess at this point...that I was watching "TMZ" at the gym while working out.  Which might explain my not so "random" thoughts. I'm sorry, but trash T.V. can seriously get you through a hard work out.  Don't knock it, 'till you try it.}

 It only took me a few seconds to realize how absurd it is to be deeply embarrassed about the "me" I was over 20 years ago.  In my former me's defense....I was fighting to NOT fit in, to resist the average, and avoid being in sync with the norm.

What can I say?  I was successful.  At 13 we are expected to be about the business of finding ourselves and sometimes losing ourselves at that same time.

The real issue I face tonight is that I am no longer 13, and what happens when you realize I'm still fighting to find myself, my voice, my vision?  What happens when you realize that I'm still growing and changing, and some days have no idea who I am, and what I'm doing?  I'll tell you what happens.  I find myself ashamed of who I am...or maybe it's who I am not, embarrassed to look in the mirror and still see that unsure, awkward me all over again, trying hard...(too hard) to seem like I've got it all together (just without the bright red lipstick...although I see it coming back in style, I may have to try it.)

We've all got pasts right?   I mean...who hasn't seen In Living Color?  Need I say more?

Truth is...I still feel like I'm just getting started with this life stuff.  Truth is....hopefully I am.   Accepting who I was, is accepting who I am today.  I don't want my past to define me, great or not so great.  We are creative beings and we are not meant to live in the glories and shadows of yesterday.  There is no time for embarrassment or regret.  Live true, and find the sound your heart really makes when it beats to it's own drum..... and get on with it.