April 27, 2012

Light in the Darkness....

At times in my life, some very recent.... I have felt like I was locked outside in the rain.  Feeling every cold, and uncomfortable moment drag on and on.  Often questioning which one of my decisions/slash/ choices/slash/ actions led me to this door.....wondering if I'd ever see the sun again.

I realize that these storms are just "life" happening to me as it does to all....good, bad, young, old, rich, poor,.... but, I'll admit... sometimes it can feel like I've done something specific, albeit unknown to deserve the downpour,..... or worse that God is playing a game of spin the bottle with my life.  Believing "life" to be so random is as unnerving as it is untrue.  I cannot say that our choices do not play into our consequences, but all bad is not punishment as all good is not reward....that would be too easy.

I'm no math wiz, but I've always had the notion that life's consequence equation should look like this: 

good + Good (should) = GOOD∞
 forever and always

When in reality, I'm starting to understand the formula more like this:

good + GOOD = good/BAD(squared)
(not Michael Jackson Bad, but the "difficult, hard, opposite of what you want" kind of bad.)

And if I'm being totally honest, I have no doubt that the better a person is to become, the more good that one is to do, the more difficult their path will be....... not the easier.  

Hard to swallow, right?

I only have the guts to say this tonight....because I'm mostly healed from our recent heartaches.


I'm safe inside..... watching a hurricane.  A storm, so much more powerful than any I have ever had to weather.  I'm watching "life" happen to another,--- a family I love, a mother who's heart is no stronger than my own.....and no longer whole, I'm sure.

There are no words to speak the sorrows of losing a child, nor are there any keys that will sooner open the door of peace promised in the future.  Not one of us who have loved the baby in their arms can bear the thought of saying goodbye one day sooner than never.  

When I said that Jenny is the kind of mom that I wish I was, know I'm not, but hope to one day become, I meant it.  She is the kind of women that deserves the sun to shine on her, ever and always.  

The promise to the good...is not that the burdens of this world will fail to fall on their shoulders, but that their backs will be strengthened to carry them...even until the weight cannot be felt.  It's God's way to support us through our trials, not exclude us from them.  We will become someone else...someone we weren't before the day of our pain, but that someone is kinder, more compassionate, full of charity and humility. More like our Savior, Jesus Christ in every way.  

The sun still shines when we cannot see it.  Sometimes it will warm us only moments in a day, or shine on us long and steady only to surprises us with it's absence.  The light of hope is that it will someday return....always return, and that it still exists in our darkest hour....no matter how dark.  

"He is the light and life of the world; yea, 
a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; 
yea and also a life which is endless, 
that there can be no more death." 
Mosiah 16:9

I love you Jenny, Shane and your beautiful family.  
Harry is a miracle...an angel, but we always knew that.....    


Daisy said...

Beautiful. And oh so true.

Tuikolovatu Family said...

My heart aches for Jen and her family, what a treasure of the beautiful pictures you created for them.

Julie Williams said...

What a lovely tribute! I am so glad they have these beautiful photos to treasure. You caught them just perfectly. Love you Omi!

Kristy said...

A beautiful tribute from a beautiful person. I love you Naomi. We all love and look up to the great example of Jenny. I truly hold the photos you have taken of my own children a precious treasure. Thank you!!

Heather Brown said...

Naomi, this is beautiful. Jenny is an amazing women and I agree with everything you said. Thank you for these beautiful pictures, priceless. The close up of Harry takes my breath away. Love to the Kollers.

Tonia Conger said...

Naomi, this is beautifully written. There has been a palpable sadness/heartbreak in our neighborhood this week.
These photos are so beautiful. What a treasure for Jenny and her family. May they feel peace soon.

Anonymous said...

this breaks my heart.. what an honor is was to be harry's swim teacher. what an amazing kid he is. i want you to know that i am thinking your wonderful family. Its going to be sad seeing one less kid in my class this summer. love you all so much. emalee guy

Miss Amee said...

Beautiful words/pictures of a beautiful family inside and out. Thanks for sharing