I realize that these storms are just "life" happening to me as it does to all....good, bad, young, old, rich, poor,.... but, I'll admit... sometimes it can feel like I've done something specific, albeit unknown to deserve the downpour,..... or worse that God is playing a game of spin the bottle with my life. Believing "life" to be so random is as unnerving as it is untrue. I cannot say that our choices do not play into our consequences, but all bad is not punishment as all good is not reward....that would be too easy.
I'm no math wiz, but I've always had the notion that life's consequence equation should look like this:
good + Good (should) = GOOD∞
forever and always
When in reality, I'm starting to understand the formula more like this:
good + GOOD = good/BAD(squared)
(not Michael Jackson Bad, but the "difficult, hard, opposite of what you want" kind of bad.)
And if I'm being totally honest, I have no doubt that the better a person is to become, the more good that one is to do, the more difficult their path will be....... not the easier.
Hard to swallow, right?
I only have the guts to say this tonight....because I'm mostly healed from our recent heartaches.
I'm safe inside..... watching a hurricane. A storm, so much more powerful than any I have ever had to weather. I'm watching "life" happen to another,--- a family I love, a mother who's heart is no stronger than my own.....and no longer whole, I'm sure.
There are no words to speak the sorrows of losing a child, nor are there any keys that will sooner open the door of peace promised in the future. Not one of us who have loved the baby in their arms can bear the thought of saying goodbye one day sooner than never.
When I said that Jenny is the kind of mom that I wish I was, know I'm not, but hope to one day become, I meant it. She is the kind of women that deserves the sun to shine on her, ever and always.
The promise to the good...is not that the burdens of this world will fail to fall on their shoulders, but that their backs will be strengthened to carry them...even until the weight cannot be felt. It's God's way to support us through our trials, not exclude us from them. We will become someone else...someone we weren't before the day of our pain, but that someone is kinder, more compassionate, full of charity and humility. More like our Savior, Jesus Christ in every way.
The sun still shines when we cannot see it. Sometimes it will warm us only moments in a day, or shine on us long and steady only to surprises us with it's absence. The light of hope is that it will someday return....always return, and that it still exists in our darkest hour....no matter how dark.
"He is the light and life of the world; yea,
a light that is endless, that can never be darkened;
yea and also a life which is endless,
that there can be no more death."
I love you Jenny, Shane and your beautiful family.
Harry is a miracle...an angel, but we always knew that.....