April 6, 2012

Why I will never be famous (HOPEFULLY)

So I was almost asleep.  This is of course after laying in bed for hours checking the local news, reading the comments, checking the national headlines, gawking at Beyonce's "STUNNING no make up body.".....(did I just say body, I meant face.)  and mostly....thinking about how I love my blog, but I just don't show it.

This may seem absurd to you, but it's a nightly ritual for me.  Everything but the Beyonce part.  Obviously.  That picture was only posted 11 hours ago.  It's usually Jennifer Lopez.

I have no explanation as to how my brain works, but one thought led to another...and badaboom, baddabang.....I'm up at 2am with the strong desire to confess the two reasons I never want to be famous.  Clearly the first being that I don't have Beyonce's flawless-post-baby-face.......and by face.....I DO mean body.   Naturally...you may have already guessed reason number two: I have the awkward-EST "cringeworthy"middle school photo(s) (plural) out there floating around.  The photos, are factual, irrifutable scientific evidence of what a werido kid I was....and that is the actual topic I'm trying to avoid.

The motivation for my blogging tonight isn't to defend my reasoning, BUT to admit how laughable the idea is.  Knowing that these photos will never be leaked to TMZ and that they will sink rightfully into yearbook oblivion, IS a great comfort to me..... but really...who cares??

{I'll confess at this point...that I was watching "TMZ" at the gym while working out.  Which might explain my not so "random" thoughts. I'm sorry, but trash T.V. can seriously get you through a hard work out.  Don't knock it, 'till you try it.}

 It only took me a few seconds to realize how absurd it is to be deeply embarrassed about the "me" I was over 20 years ago.  In my former me's defense....I was fighting to NOT fit in, to resist the average, and avoid being in sync with the norm.

What can I say?  I was successful.  At 13 we are expected to be about the business of finding ourselves and sometimes losing ourselves at that same time.

The real issue I face tonight is that I am no longer 13, and what happens when you realize I'm still fighting to find myself, my voice, my vision?  What happens when you realize that I'm still growing and changing, and some days have no idea who I am, and what I'm doing?  I'll tell you what happens.  I find myself ashamed of who I am...or maybe it's who I am not, embarrassed to look in the mirror and still see that unsure, awkward me all over again, trying hard...(too hard) to seem like I've got it all together (just without the bright red lipstick...although I see it coming back in style, I may have to try it.)

We've all got pasts right?   I mean...who hasn't seen In Living Color?  Need I say more?

Truth is...I still feel like I'm just getting started with this life stuff.  Truth is....hopefully I am.   Accepting who I was, is accepting who I am today.  I don't want my past to define me, great or not so great.  We are creative beings and we are not meant to live in the glories and shadows of yesterday.  There is no time for embarrassment or regret.  Live true, and find the sound your heart really makes when it beats to it's own drum..... and get on with it.


laurie said...

awesome insight. Just over the past year, I've started to find a new me and I wonder "what have I been doing for the last 20 years?!" I guess I'm a slow learner. We're meant to have these moments, that's how we get to higher ground. Ü

Alicia said...

You worded this brilliantly! How true it is that I find myself feeling the same way I did as my awkward 12-14 year-old self! Does self discovery and the desire to be better than you currently are ever end? I'm going to guess not.

JJ said...

Please never stop doing what you are doing. You inspired me, because I have been given a gift to sing for other, and I truly have never had the desire to be"famous" I just hoped to bring some light to this world in any way that I can. I wish you the very best. You blessed my life as I am reinventing myself again after three very long hard years.